THE TAHNEE SUCKS ACADEMY AWARDS

Tahnee
Feb 13, 2019
2 min read

Categories the Oscars forgot to televise.

Greatest Display of White Male Rage/Violence:

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Joker

Marriage Story

Jojo Rabbit

Once Upon A Time...in Hollywood

1917

Ford v. Ferrari

The Two Popes

The Irishman

All of the above - It was a banner year for the white male who is very, very mad. Hitler, Joker, Charles Manson, even Fred Rogers! Sorry to this man.

Best Display of Unexpected Big Dick Energy:

Lee Sun Kyun in Parasite

Louis Garrel in Little Women

Ray Romano in The Irishman

Marc Maron in Joker

As much as I want Marc Maron to step on my throat, Garrel wins by a landslide. I mean...if you weren't swooning for Garrel's BDE in this film, find Jesus babygirl.

Best Animal Performance:

Brandy the Pitbull in Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood

FooFoo the Pomerian in Parasite

Rabbit the Rabbit in Jojo Rabbit

So many contenders this year! But, Brandy the Pitbull really carried this film and without her, Brad Pitt may have been killed. Not to mention, she really bulked up for the role, and you know we at the Academy love to reward females for distorting their bodies in the name of cinema.

Best 2019 Laura Dern Performance:

Little Women

Big Little Lies

Marriage Story

Cold Pursuit

Renata Klein is canon. Renata Klein is queen. Renata Klein is everything.

Best Cheekbones:

Brad Pitt in Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood

Charlize Theron in Bombshell

Timothée Chalamet in Little Women

Christian Bale in Ford vs. Ferrari

Timmy's cheekbones could basically sharpen my knives and then after they've sharpened my knives, they could throw those knives away and chop my tomatoes because they're even sharper than the knives they just sharpened. Timmy can sharpen my knives any day...